Princesses don't give blow jobs
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
