I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
