it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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