Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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