I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
