I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I did not marry a roomba.
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