I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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