this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
