If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
nutella sex= disaster
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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