Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
