I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
