Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I could fuck to npr.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
