Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
