I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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