he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
