Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
