i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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