Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
