OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
