Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
