What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
