Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
