and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
