Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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