her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
