you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize