i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
