Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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