In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
