i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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