erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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