last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I hope mine doesn't look like that
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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