My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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