How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
