So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
