I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
