My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
