Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
