They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
