It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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