...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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