You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
