i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
