If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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