im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
