i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I want to have your abortion
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
