So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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