I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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