Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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