It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she pinky promised me she was 18
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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