Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
