So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
