dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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