her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
