That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
