ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
