based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
