Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
