You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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